My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
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Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.