My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
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Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball