My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
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DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.