my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
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Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up