My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
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Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Isn’t
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.