My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
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“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop