My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
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A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
im all 3
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
😆this is so true
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.