My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
You Might Also Like
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*