My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..

She manually Retweets everything I say…

To my wife!

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Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!

Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.


Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends


dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing

me (slyly): yes


This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.


Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh


As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.


[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”


COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?

ME: She’s my wife

MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]


[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine