@DaddyBeerGuy

My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..

She manually Retweets everything I say…

To my wife!

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@TEXASVETERAN

Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!

Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.

@dreamthievin

Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends

@PhilJamesson

dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing

me (slyly): yes

@PanettaSexyTime

This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.

@anerdonfire2

Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh

@CynicalTherapi1

As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.

@david8hughes

[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”

@ericsshadow

COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?

ME: She’s my wife

MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]

@whatsJo

[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine