My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
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Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
it was a valiant fight
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.