@VerifiedDrunk If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
@Boleyngirly My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
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@VerifiedDrunk 
@memecrashes the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
@Marlebean If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
@loribuckmajor During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
@SlimWines Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
@electrolemon ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
@yoyoha Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
@ieatanddrink Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
@Gowitty1 Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
@velvettusk A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp