My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
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[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
My love language is hissing.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.