Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet

When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.

me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight

me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding

“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”

-Bob Ross, Mob Boss

$4 #usedbooks

911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’

Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’

911: *click

No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today

Bought some of that edible cookie dough.

Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.

My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.

[during sex]

Me: So do you LIKE like me or

Oh the world we live in…

On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.

Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!

Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*

Me: welcome to my painting podcast

[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]

Me: it’s a mountain

I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.

THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS

Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.

Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?

Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.

She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.

Captain: relax, it’s just a title

Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU

I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.

WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record

Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget

The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER

Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.

During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because you like me

Cop: omg shut up I do not

WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.

[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”

I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.