@Boleyngirly

My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”

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@VerifiedDrunk

If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.

@memecrashes

the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths

@Marlebean

If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.

@SlimWines

Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.

If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.

@electrolemon

ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume

@yoyoha

Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE

@ieatanddrink

Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag

@Gowitty1

Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

@velvettusk

A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?

John Cougar Melon Camp