Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons

Me: Like what?

Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die

Me: And what are the cons?

Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.

-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse

Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie

Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?

Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs

When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.

So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified

Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”

Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.

Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.

If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.

Could you play us a song?

Cat Stevens: Maybe.

*Sets guitar on table*

Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*

If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up

Me: I really need to save money

Also me:

On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”

got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to

Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.

“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.

“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”

At least he biked 12 blocks?

“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.

Mary had a little lamb.

The doctor fainted.

Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?

Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.

i meant to share this earlier

The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.

Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!

Her: You need to multitask better

Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone

Her: That’s goo-

Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else

All-purpose flour out there like screw you single-use flours I can do anything

[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo

Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..

It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.

Tonight, Joe Biden’s press conference is make or break. Everyone will be tuned in. It’s all anyone will be paying attention to. So it’s the perfect moment.

I’m going to steal the Declaration of Independence.

Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.