My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
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ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?