My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
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Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying