my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
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Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”