My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
You Might Also Like
g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Its a hippotatomus
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.