My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
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The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.