My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
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Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
🤣🤣💀
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.