My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
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ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Yes, but it was never about money
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?