My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
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WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.