My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
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Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
The Book. The Movie.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Just this preview of the story is enough
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M