My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
You Might Also Like
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
I need a headline like this
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”