My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
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My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa