My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
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when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.