My daughter keeps ending up with glitter all over her face and she doesn’t know where its coming from. I keep asking her if she’s turned into a vampire and she doesn’t understand and it’s giving me life 😂
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My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
That f**k*d up moment when you think there’s one more step to walk down and you trip over the unexpected flat ground.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
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I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
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Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Checking my emails on Cyber Monday feels like walking through a mall where everything’s yelling at me.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.