My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
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Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
My favorite female superhero