My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.

At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.

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ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.

INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.


please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,


[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car


Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter

Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then


Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.


Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.

Not Sorry.


Women do not want to hear what you think..

They want to hear what they think..

In a deeper voice……


*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again