@YesitsAl

My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.

At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.

You Might Also Like

@dafloydsta

ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.

INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.

@dril

please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,

@AdamDavis

[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car

@LoveNLunchmeat

Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter

Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then

@rickkondell

Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.

@Knob_ish

Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.

Not Sorry.

@Night_ER_Ninja

Women do not want to hear what you think..

They want to hear what they think..

In a deeper voice……

@MelvinofYork

*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again