My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
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wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh