My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
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You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office