My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
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Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
my mind
You just read my mind
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.