My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
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My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT