My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
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How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.