My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
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This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?