My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
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ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
still the best tweet of the year by far
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.