My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
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*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
They’re the worst 😩
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Somebody call the cops.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.