My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
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I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
I’ve been drinking.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?