My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
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me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts