My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
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when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries