My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
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The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?