my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
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A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo