My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
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Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.