My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
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I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!