my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
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Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Who chose this font
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.