@Lilbyrdy

My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.

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@riot4rach

me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving

my kids: are ALL the presents for you

me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them

@ShesAllNat

Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box

@karanbirtinna

The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.

@SCbchbum

It’s called St. Valentine’s Day because St. Blowjob for Jewelry Day just didn’t have the same ring to it.

@CYComedy

My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.

@bridger_w

“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead

@inconsequentia2

When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”

@vladchoc

For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”