My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.

You Might Also Like


me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving

my kids: are ALL the presents for you

me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them


Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box


The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.


It’s called St. Valentine’s Day because St. Blowjob for Jewelry Day just didn’t have the same ring to it.


My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.


“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead


When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”


For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”