My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
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the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!