My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
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I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.