My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
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What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.