My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
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Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
My favorite female superhero
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good