My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
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HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
“our sushi is very fresh”
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.