My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
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i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Software Development ⛵️
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.