My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
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If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
😅😅😅
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
How times have changed.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one