My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
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Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
do u think theres a butter planet?
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast