@mommajessiec

My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.

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@david8hughes

Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.

@DemetriMartin

The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.

@2tickytacky

“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.

@Tmoney68

If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.

@erica_rosie

Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)

@deephora_

My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”

@Brampersandon_

“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*

@daemonic3

DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV

ROMAN: What?!

DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?

ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?

@Grommit56

I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.

I just have a thing for really bad cookies.

@Alex_N_Chains

I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.

He’s awfully thin…