My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
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Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?