My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.

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Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.


The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.


“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.


If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.


Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)


My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”


“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*


DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV

ROMAN: What?!

DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?

ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?


I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.

I just have a thing for really bad cookies.


I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.

He’s awfully thin…